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Why aren't they serious? - 6/17/2010 6:29:19 PM
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ChocolateHoney
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Why is it that usually when people want to date interracially in the world, it's not for serious, but rather just for 'fun.' Why is that so? Why do people like to keep to their own, when, my parents, for example, are a birracial couple, who are still in love and influenced my thinking to really want to be with someone of a different race. What I see is that those who are not attractive in one race tend to seek other races and so rarely are both parties deemed to be atractive. Why?
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/17/2010 8:27:00 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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We have a close white male friend who is shortly to get engaged to a black girl, so there is one example straight away of a couple who are interracial and also serious.I also see quite a few mixed race couples around the UK.
Before I met my first husband, I went out for quite a while with an indian guy, although he had lived all his life in the UK,and to be honest he looked more spanish or Italian than Indian.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/17/2010 8:51:27 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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That's not been my experience.
But I kind of did things outside of 'the dating world' so my experience hasn't been "normal" for a lot of things. 
I guess for flippant, worldly people, interracial dating can be a novelty thing, or some kind of "status" thing. But then, being flippant and worldy, they wouldn't be good marriage choices anyway.
As to attraction, I'm certainly not an American beauty.  However, my dh is very handsome, and he found me attractive anyway. He just didn't have Americanized standards of beauty and didn't reject me out of hand like many American men would.
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/17/2010 9:15:36 PM
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nuclear_sidewalk
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I'm currently very close with a Latina w/ a touch of Asian in her, and I'm basically white bread. (not official, but we're close to an item) Honestly, this is the first time I've been seriously interested in someone "not like me." (on the surface, of course) I'm finding we have a lot in common, she really seems to love the Lord, and also think she's very attractive. In my humble opinion, I wouldn't say I'm unattractive... so it's not your given scenario.
Despite that, I've never really been one to look outside of my ethnicity. It wasn't so much a conscious thought, as it was how things happened to work out. My parents are both white, and of European heritage, but it's not something I ever really thought about. A lot of whites don't really think about themselves as a "culture" or "ethnicity". We're just white and boring, IMO. 
I also agree with pink on the "race" thing. I tend to call it ethnicity, since we're all human.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/18/2010 12:36:58 AM
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Dakotasunbeam
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chocolate,
I noticed in your post that you said you are seeking to only date outside of your race. I'm unsure as to why you'd want to do that? There is a pretty big difference between being open to all races (including your own race); and exclusively ONLY dating outside of it.
Perhaps something is flawwed here in the logic behind why you want to marry interacially? Some people do not take interacial relationship seriously, because primarily they are relaionships for the sake of RACE. Not love. That is not to say ALL interacial relationships are this way. But many people date interacially because its a fad, or its a curiousity or it seems "exotic" and they want to "seem different" or stand out. These are all invalid reasons to date another race.
If your principal reason for choosing a man is not because of the content of his character, I assure you, you will find more characters only looking for "fun." If you are not meeting each person in your life and seeing them as the whole and going from there, you are operating on a false premise. It's usual to prefer to date people who are like you; but you are interested in only dating outside of your race. That puts you in a unique catagory. And one I don't think you really want to be in.
I hope I've misread that you are only seeking to date outside of your race. How about meeting the whole spectrum and not limit yourself. You'll find more genuine connections if you do.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/18/2010 1:43:41 AM
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deermousie
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Marriage is hard. A bi-racial marriage is almost always a cross-cultural marriage and it has even more burdens, and I think a lot of people realize that. I'm not against them, but they need to be considered carefully before anyone jumps into one, no matter which cultures are involved.
There are always lowlifes who'd like to date a woman for their own selfish purposes, no matter what color or culture.
So you've got people being careful and people not being careful; you'll want to live well to be a match to one of the former and deftly avoid the latter. A lowlife is a lowlife is a lowlife.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/18/2010 9:44:13 AM
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sunshine22
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I would say personally it doesn't matter what a person's skin color, race or ethnic background is... I tend to look at other things and if it just so happens that we come from two different backgrounds...I am more than okay with that. My family's background is so intermixed that there is no way I could possibly want to have a reason to chose to date or not date based solely on that factor. (there were a whole lot of bi-racial couples in my family's background)
In fact I was quite serious (engaged) with a Middle Eastern man. This was after 9/11 so it was definitely not a popular decision but due to other (more severe and personal) reasons that relationship dissolved. Tomorrow I go to a wedding where my friend (Latina/Native American) marries the man she loves (Black). I'm happy for her...its who you love and not that you are so focused on they have to be outside of your ethic background.
I have too many bi-racial couples in my family...it goes on and on...but they love each other and the longevity of their relationships prove this.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/19/2010 1:04:20 AM
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ChocolateHoney
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Let me explain myself alittle. I was born to an interracial couple. I grew up not seeing 'ethnicity.' The first guy i ever liked was caucasian.Back then in partially-Apartheid-Zimbabwe, I was unaware of people's feelings and my parents chose not to influence my thinking. So, I grew up only liking whom I was interested/attracted to. Men of my own ethnicity (and let me make this clear, I am not biracial, I was adopted at birth to add to the equation) simply because I'm just not. Not because I'm not friends with them, but I just don't get that spark! I seemed to have fallen into an attraction towards Asian men, namely Chinese/Korean/Japanese. This makes things even more 'challenging' doesn't it? Because many stick to their own ANYWAY! It's not because I go with the times or want to be different..it's just me! People of my own ethnicity think I'm too different to them and say to me directly. People of other ethnities see me as different because my skintone, my accent, my 'so-called' culture is different. I've lived all over the world because my parents worked for international companies. I'm what you call a Third Culture Kid. I feel comfortable amongst all, but they don't! I've seen a biracial marriage work and work real well! My parents are so in love and that's all I know! So, what people believe about biracial couples is based on what I haven't seen. I suppose, that's my blessing. So, when I look for a partner, I'm attracted to them physically, but also based on their character and their heart/spirit. People keep saying why don't you just settle for someone your own ethnicity. To me, that's like saying, come on conform, it's the easy way out and will save you all this pain/heartache. I don't believe in settling. If God made me this way, He made me this way. Why should I be with someone I'm not attracted to?
Cappuccino, yep, you've got it! Lots of scummy men! And hardly a decent Christian man alive! I've even gone to a Christian website and of course, you'll have 'CHRISTIAN' men coming there assuming you're the same as the stereotype in their brain! So, far, that's hopeless too. So, what I'm really starting to believe is that God has to bring this guy and I've to forget about everything. He knows what will make me happy. I actually spoke with a male elder who is a friend of mine and felt the same way. He felt that I'm innocent and this was his opinion: '' I can read that there is a need to be fulfilled. That is legitimous. Nothing wrong with that. This is normal. What I am a bit concerned about is that these guys may be taking advantage of your vulnerability (generally speaking) to make you suffer emotionally... .'
So, this is where I'm at. He proposed to pray about it with me.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/19/2010 4:00:50 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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yes its true that a needy person will attract the wrong sort of person chocolatehoney.
Maybe God is wanting you to get to a different place yourself before the right guy comes along.
I have to say though, that there are a lot of REALLY nice and decent Christian guys, at least I know a lot, so dont despair.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/19/2010 8:20:07 PM
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ChocolateHoney
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I'm looking for more than just nice and decent. There could be many, but the ones I HAVE met weren't for me. I think I'll know when I do meet that guy.I have that belief in me...just wish I met him closer to now than later...:)
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/19/2010 9:56:31 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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quote:
To me, that's like saying, come on conform, it's the easy way out and will save you all this pain/heartache. I don't believe in settling.
Why is marrying a man in your race is "settling?" It is the way you are thinking about men of your own race (I'm not sure of what your race is) that makes you refrain. Can't like asians and whatever race you are too?
The reason I think you should investigate this line of thought, is because it is based on some erroneous and false logic, that may well be causing you a greater problem than you are aware of.
Think of it this way: You are willing to date a man based primarily on his race and the guys you meet are not "serious" about your relationship because of race. In both cases race is the number one indicative. Both parties are "color-struck." Who wants to be selected primarily because of their race??? Or because someone wants a little spice in their life. 
Perhaps your concept of your own race is somehow flawwed. That is crucial for you, because you will reflect back the same thoughts onto yourself, whether you intend to or not. I would be wary of a man who believes marrying someone within his own race is "settling" because it makes wider statements about who HE is; rather than the state of his people.
I have found that each male from every race has a very good point about him that is admirable and distinct. But, choosing by race instead of character is a faulty place to be. I'd think with your background, you'd be open to marrying/dating any kind of man regardless of race (even those within your own race.
I point all of this out to say, that you will be hard pressed to find what you are looking for, if you make choices based on race. You will likely pass up some very fine gentlemen, while lamenting the lack thereof, simply because you were biased against his race--even if that race is your own. Look for character first, race and all of the other superficial stuff are just decorations.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 6/20/2010 12:06:07 AM
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rgod
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChocolateHoney
Why is it that usually when people want to date interracially in the world, it's not for serious, but rather just for 'fun.' Why is that so? Why do people like to keep to their own, when, my parents, for example, are a birracial couple, who are still in love and influenced my thinking to really want to be with someone of a different race. What I see is that those who are not attractive in one race tend to seek other races and so rarely are both parties deemed to be atractive. Why?
ChocolateHoney - I've often lived in places with different races of people, so I've seen lots of interracial marriages and relationships. I've not noticed anything relationship between attractiveness and these relationships - it seems to me that people see each other, get to know one another, maybe fall in love, and maybe eventually marry.
I think that most people tend to be more comfortable with people who are like them. The thing is, what is your definition of yourself? Many people define themselves based on their race and so the definition of "like me" has race in it. It seems that your definition is different - probably because you are third culture and have had to adapt a lot. Your definition might have your race in it, but it probably just isn't as strong as your identity as a third culture person. If you've not met a lot of people who are of your race or ethnic background that have travelled a lot internationally or who cannot relate to you as a third culture, global person, I can understand how that can initially feel like settling.
I think what Dakotasunbeam wrote is definitely worth considering, particularly about being your conception of your own race and also about being color-struck. It is something that you might want to search your heart about and ask God about. The Bible tells us not to esteem one another from a worldly point of view. It is possible to also view yourself and your race that way too. Again, something to pray about.
At the same time, I do think that there are some people who have a desire to marry outside of their own race who are not color struck, but just have a desire that might be God given. I know this is controversial, but I keep thinking about missionaries who say they have a heart for "X" people and they want to minister to them. While this is a different situation, I believe that sometimes God gives us desires that match our purposes.
I'd also posit a third thing to think about ... sometimes when we are truly afraid of relationships and intimacy, we erect road blocks for ourselves and convince ourselves that we are so different that others won't understand us. Being third culture is different for sure - but there are lots of third culture people in the U.S. I have lots of third culture friends - probably because, I've moved around so much in my life, and also because I have lots of different cultural influences in my background and the way I was raised (mostly african american, west indian, and hispanic). I've been an immigrant, a citizen, am almost always the new person, etc. I know exactly what it feels like to not fit in or to not identify fully with what I look like on the outside - even as I fully embrace being an african-american female. But, to get back to my point, sometimes when we think that we are so different or there seems to be a catch-22, we've created that ourselves. Your statement about asians not dating outside of their race but you preferring them and you indicating that dating someone within your race might be settling, could be about this. In reality, some asians are not dating outside of their race, but there are some who do. (Actually one of my friends is married to a very handsome asian gentleman ... she told him she'd only marry someone within her race and he just smiled and kept pursuing her. They are now married and have two beautiful kids ... and they are quite happy.) In reality, there might be some men within your own race who might complement you beautifully. Or ... you might meet a man who is from a completely different ethnic background, not asian, not your race - but maybe is from India, Israel, or Ethiopia.
Just a couple of things to think about.
_____________________________
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken - Oscar Wilde
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/19/2010 3:30:35 PM
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jaimestarcross
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quote:
To me, that's like saying, come on conform, it's the easy way out and will save you all this pain/heartache. I don't believe in settling.
*There's nothing wrong with looking for a man within or outside your
own race.
I've dated mostly outside of my race because those guys asked me out and if
they appealed to me I went out with them (I wasn't looking for a marriage partner back then, I did
want to go out sometimes without being around female friends all the time.)
Some dates were good and many were bad.
My own parentage is racial mixed... black, white and Native American.
I too, have been told to date within my own race... I responded with "I do and
so far all I have met were players and guys who have numerous children by different
women... sorry but I'm not looking for someone who's raising more than one child and I definitely
don't want a drug user or an alcoholic." I also made it clear that within my own race includes
various other races.
There's no guarantee that any man won't cause you any pain/heartache either...ethnicity<notwithstanding.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/19/2010 5:05:31 PM
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ForgivenGrace
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I don't know if this is relevent.In Hawaii mixed-race relationships have been happening fo awhile. They even needed to create a term for them.
In the Hawaiian language, hapa is defined as: portion, fragment, part, fraction, installment; to be partial, less. It is a loan from the English word half. However, in Hawaiian Pidgin (the creole spoken by many Hawaii residents), hapa has an extended meaning of "half-caste" or "of mixed descent". Mary Pukui and Samuel Ebert's Hawaiian Dictionary define hapa as: "of mixed blood, person of mixed blood as in hapa hawaiʻi, part Hawaiian."[3] The word hapa has moved into mainland English.
Used without qualification, hapa is often taken to mean "part White", and is short hand for hapa haole. The term can be used in conjunction with other Hawaiian racial and ethnic descriptors to specify a particular racial or ethnic mixture. Examples of this include:
* hapa haole (part Caucasian/white)
* hapa kanaka (part Hawaiian)
* hapa popolo (part African/black)
* hapa kepani (part Japanese); the term hapanese is also encountered
* hapa pilipino (part Filipino)
* hapa pake (part Chinese)
* hapa kolea (part Korean)
* hapa kamoa (part Samoan)
* hapa pukiki (part Portuguese/white)
I know we all know this but there are scummy men in al races/cultures.
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
Marriage is hard. A bi-racial marriage is almost always a cross-cultural marriage and it has even more burdens, and I think a lot of people realize that. I'm not against them, but they need to be considered carefully before anyone jumps into one, no matter which cultures are involved.
I am Filipino and Spaiish from my my mother's side and German, English, Irish, Scottish from my father's side. My parents have been married for over 40 years. They did and so will I.
_____________________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. ~Dr. Seuss
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/19/2010 5:47:27 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 480
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From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
Why is it that usually when people want to date interracially in the world, it's not for serious, but rather just for 'fun.' Why is that so? Why do people like to keep to their own, when, my parents, for example, are a birracial couple, who are still in love and influenced my thinking to really want to be with someone of a different race
YOU are focusing on race more than you realize. Get to know GOOD CHRISTIAN MEN and develop a relationship. I would also caution you to look into your own personality. You may think these guys aren't liking your race when they don't like your personality. You may be offensive or overbearing or just not the kind of gal they want.
Have you ever thought you seem too desperate?
I would also like to ask you the significance of your handle.
G
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/19/2010 10:32:11 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1234
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quote:
Why is it that usually when people want to date interracially in the world, it's not for serious, but rather just for 'fun.' Why is that so? Why do people like to keep to their own, when, my parents, for example, are a birracial couple, who are still in love and influenced my thinking to really want to be with someone of a different race
*It depends on the person or persons you are talking about... I see all kinds of people dating for "fun"...
that isn't limited to interracial dating. Most forms of bigotry is kept in check by laws, so now more people will explore the so called "forbidden" world of interracial dating. I grew up in the south where bigotry was very prevalent (you could lose your job for dating outside your race and various other means were used to keep people in "check". Even your own family would turn on you if you got involved with someone of another race...
I know of a woman who's family disowned her and as far as I know they still don't have anything to do with her or her children. Many interracial couples can't handle that kind of treatment from their own family and they break up.
I was dating outside my ethnic group during those times...it got some what easier by the the mid to late 80's and it's very common now to find a lot more interracial couples. Bigotry hasn't disappeared it's still there lurking in the background... all I have to do is visit NC with my white husband and we get the hostile looks and rude comments from some people... not to mention getting ignored by a clerk until someone "forces" her or him to wait on us.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/20/2010 4:35:26 PM
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ChocolateHoney
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WOW...Jaime. Firstly, always thought you were a male poster for some reason, but secondly, it's astonishing to hear what you continut to experience. In Europe, by the grace of God, I have not experienced racism and one thing for sure, God knows what He means when He says '...FAVOR WITH ALL MEN.' I've had time to take those worries out of my head and give them up to Christ so, all is well!
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/20/2010 8:40:53 PM
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rgod
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
quote:
Why is it that usually when people want to date interracially in the world, it's not for serious, but rather just for 'fun.' Why is that so? Why do people like to keep to their own, when, my parents, for example, are a birracial couple, who are still in love and influenced my thinking to really want to be with someone of a different race
YOU are focusing on race more than you realize. Get to know GOOD CHRISTIAN MEN and develop a relationship. I would also caution you to look into your own personality. You may think these guys aren't liking your race when they don't like your personality. You may be offensive or overbearing or just not the kind of gal they want.
Have you ever thought you seem too desperate?
I would also like to ask you the significance of your handle.
G
GregandJenny,
When I see responses like this I usually don't say anything but I just have to say that this response seems quite harsh. In forums it is hard to "hear" the tone of someone's voice, did you mean it to come across that way?
< Message edited by rgod -- 7/20/2010 8:53:56 PM >
_____________________________
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken - Oscar Wilde
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/20/2010 8:50:30 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 480
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
t is hard to "hear" the tone of someone's voice, but wow - to insinuate that a person that you've never met has a problem personality and is desperate comes across as mean spirited.
I think you're reading into it. I have just been reading a lot of other threads that she has posted. I don't know her, which is why I am suggesting that she take a look at her own self in this matter. Sometimes we look at an issue and in the end it's not the root issue. I am NOT being mean spirited just saying hey take some time and look at yourself. It's what I do all the time. Self reflection.
God Bless,
G
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/20/2010 9:12:32 PM
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rgod
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GregandJenny,
Thanks for clarifying. I edited my post while you were writing yours to pose it more as a question than as a statement - and remove the term "mean spirited" because I was making a judgement and not asking a question. While doing this, we cross posted. I've seen your posts before and they've seemed pretty balanced, so I thought I'd ask since the tone of the response surprised me.
ChocolateHoney would have to answer your questions for herself, but I know a lot of people that have a similar type background. I don't want to turn this into a race thread since it is more about relationships, but in the US if race isn't a core part of your identity - it can be tough to adapt to living here. Almost every foreign friend that I have talks to me about this. If you are born here or have lived here for a long time, you don't notice it as much, but very little here doesn't have a racial element - we can't even watch a simple health story on the news without racial statistics. If something as innocuous as music has racial implications, then something more complex - though still simple - as liking someone and dating them has racial implications as well. This happens to some extent in other countries too - again along cultural lines, but not necessarily racial ones. The way I see it is if you come from a place where the rules are different, it can feel strange and frustrating.
< Message edited by rgod -- 7/20/2010 9:22:06 PM >
_____________________________
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken - Oscar Wilde
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RE: Why aren't they serious? - 7/23/2010 1:17:53 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 480
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
as liking someone and dating them has racial implications as well.
I understand. I am in an interracial marriage. If you want to find someone then you have to look beyond color or race. IN the OP she seems very focused on race and in my opinion that is a huge turn off for some people. If she is only looking for a certain race of people to date that is ok, but if the gentleman isn't ok with that she has to understand that she needs to move on. Example, I didn't marry my wife because she was white, I married her because I loved her. I wasn't looking for a "white' woman I was looking for a wife. If I had of been looking for a white woman specifically it can put a lot of questions in people's mind, or the other half of the relationships mind, and they may not be comfortable with that or that way of thinking.
KWIM?
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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